Why, hello again!
It has been a fair while since I posted anything hasn't it? I would apologise but I think my reasons are fair. Sit back, grab a cup of tea (or coffee - whatever's your preference) while I regale you with a tale..
As I've mentioned, I was doing some training at university, and teaching/writing on my own website. Except, things didn't go exactly according to plan.
Back in 2022, I noticed that my back injury was playing up again. In 2018, I damaged my L1 falling down the stairs (I also managed to shatter my coccyx but what's a coccyx if not an arse, anyway?) while trying to pass a brew to a builder.
I wish I had a better story for that. You tell people you're bedbound with an impact fracture, you want to have a good reason. Fighting a dragon. Stopping a spy while jumping from a motorbike. That kind of thing. But, nope, I slipped on a little plaster and bump-bump-bumped my way down 300-year-old stairs.
In terms of uni, I completed my academic portion and requested some adjustments (this is a whole thing that I'll come back to once it's resolved). Eventually, though, the pain and exhaustion became too much, and I took some time off. Then, I stopped writing. I spent weeks barely making it out of bed - and the times I was able to left me so wiped out that I had to recover for weeks after.
One year later, constant poking, prodding, peeing into cups and showing nurses where my "good" veins are, I was referred to rheumatology and diagnosed with fibromyalgia and ME. What caused the initial flare-up and exacerbated these illnesses I'm sure will be up for debate - was it physical and mental stress? Viral complications? Was it something I always had but it was never bad enough to explore before now? It could be any of these or a combination of all of the above. But the most important thing is that I am now a disabled woman, and I have to work with that. I was put on medication that completely flatlined my thinking capacity and spent months walking around in pain and having brain fog that wouldn't even allow me to finish a complete sentence.
As someone whose life revolves around communication, the latter was the most annoying symptom of the illnesses and medication. If there's pain? Well, there's painkillers and musculoskeletal management... or trying not to move on really bad days. But not being able to communicate properly? ARGH!
Suffice to say, this is not an ideal scenario for journalism and copywriting. In all honesty, it hasn't been a great way to enjoy life.
My OCD reared its ugly head (years after therapy and medication had, I thought, brought it back under control), and I've spent too much time wallowing and being miserable. I've lost friends, found my world becoming infinitely smaller and have also been so lucky as to have my fiancé and my little family to keep me looking forward. To them, I will always remain grateful.
With support from my kids and partner, and the kindness of work colleagues and the knowledge of medical staff, combined with the new friends I've found along the way, I like to think I am making a recovery. I will never be who I was, but don't the years do that to us all anyway? I can't move or think the way I used to, BUT it's all about optimisation. Therapy has been had, tears have been shed, medications changed... and the future I fought so hard for has been adjusted.
As I told my partner, it's not that I'm not strong. It's that I already did the work and already had to fight against insurmountable odds. I want the life I earned back.
There's certainly frustration and sadness in that.
But, luckily, all those prior experiences have only allowed me to harden to pressure and keep moving forward. After all, when you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, sometimes you have to move sideways. This is just another sidestep.
One way or another I will keep writing. How I write may change, both physically and mentally, but I will get back to the road I want to be on.
And, to the readers of this tiny blog, who have followed my works and supported my writings, I thank you for your patience during my absence without leave. You are all wonderful and I hope your years have been kinder than mine.
I will see you all again - soon, this time.
