Things Pregnant Women Are Sick of Hearing

Yes, we're pregnant. Yes, we know you're trying to be nice. No, it's none of your business. No, you're actually being annoying, insensitive and, at times, just plain rude.

"Are you sure it's not twins?"
Yes.

"Wow. You're huge!"
Can someone explain to me at what point being pregnant means it's open season for bitchy remarks? In what other scenario is it ok to say this to someone?

"Just you wait until baby is here!"
Because I have NO idea how hard caring for a baby will be. Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that I am completely clueless and think baby will be a breeze- and get hit by a shitstorm (quite possibly literally)- how is your smugness going to help me?

"It's just a bit of sickness"
No, it's not. It's over 35 weeks of constant nausea, being unable to eat, brush your teeth or smell certain things without suddenly running to the loo. And, because you've not eaten anything, you genuinely feel like your body is trying to expel the stomach itself, which makes your abs ache like you've done an epic workout like never before. This is exacerbated by the fact that your abs are in danger of separating throughout your pregnancy, so you actually do more damage to yourself, even though you can't control it.

"You're not going back to work? Isn't that a little lazy?"
You're right, taking care of tiny, defenceless humans who rely on you for everything from food to literally wiping their ass for them- as a minimum- is lazy (did I mention that the above needs to be taken care of every two-three hours on average? And that's whether you're sleeping, eating or trying to get to the loo, yourself). This doesn't make us bad parents, it means we put baby's needs above our own.

"You're going back to work? What about your baby?"
I was thinking about turning him/her off for a while. Seriously, as if it wasn't hard enough to give up such a precious, important and short time with your little one, we have another judgemental ass making us doubt our ability to provide for our baby. The simple fact is, we would all spend as much time with our families if we could, but sometimes we need to sacrifice that time in order to provide that damn money that disappears from our account about a week after we're paid. This doesn't make us bad parents, it means we put baby's needs above our own.

"Are you breastfeeding?"/"Breast is best"
Excuse me, I didn't realise this was any of your business. Remind me, next time you're shovelling endless sugar/snacks/takeaways down your throat what a glorious nutritionist you really are. If you decide to breastfeed then that's awesome, cause it takes a lot of time and energy to feed direct from the boob (although there is the awesome advantage of being allowed an extra 2000 calories a day). If you can't or decide not to, then that's awesome too. It's not for everyone and you'll make your baby much happier than putting yourself under endless stress if things aren't going the way you want (baby will know if you're stressed- happy mummy=happy baby). Besides, isn't the real-world application of science how we've made so much progress? ;)

"You're keeping your dog/cat/chinchilla etc.?"
Acting as though you know a woman's family better than she does is a sure-fire way to get yourself in the doghouse, at the very least. Questioning her ability to care for/protect them while she's pregnant?! That's bordering on insanity.

"You're getting rid of your dog/cat/chinchilla etc.?"
As above. This isn't a decision that's taken lightly. Pets are part of the family but sometimes need to act for the greater good and making someone feel guilty for thinking of others is the worst thing you can do. Expect a reaction similar to an angry bear being poked at with a stick

"Baby will come when it's ready"
I know but I want to meet her now

Speaking of which..

WELCOME TO THE WORLD, BABY JJ!