Hindsight is 20/20

 Just the other day, someone was kind enough to remind me that it had been 12 years since I was discharged from hospital, after a suicide attempt. 12. Freakin'. Years.

Y'see, I had been homeless for 6 months prior to that and, when I left the hospital, I had managed to get a place at a local hostel - a place for women fleeing abuse and the like. It was another 6 months after that placement, that I was accepted into the Foyer Federation, in Manchester - a place for 16-25 year olds who had come from "problematic" backgrounds with "safeguarding issues", that did not fall into the government NEET areas (Not in Employment, Education or Training). 

Why did it take so long? Well, we have a lovely, lovely, neoliberal government that believes that those on the streets must simply be too lazy to get a job or not want somewhere safe to sleep at night (cause those are the only explanations, amiright?). In other words, they didn't know what to do with me. I wasn't seeking work, as a full time student, I didn't have a family I could just go and live with, and there were areas of concern for me going back to my old place. The idea that this couldn't all be sorted as though it were some kind of simple misunderstanding blew their fucking minds. 

Hell, you try being a young teen and being told that there was nothing they could do because your case fell between the cracks. There's nothing quite like being told you need to stay at a "crash pad" where you share rooms with less-than-favourable characters who do less-than-favourable things around you and to you. 

In short, the suicide attempt was clearly directly linked to my environmental issues. Still, depression is depression when it comes to how it's treated, so I was promptly put on meds and told to crack on. And I'll admit, I am massively oversimplifying the whole experience - but it has been 12 years, so the finer details don't really seem to matter all that much at this point. 

There are a lot of things I really do remember, very clearly, however. 

I remember a young and over-enthusiastic nurse, who forever forgot his notepad and was always scrawling over his hands and arms. He'd go home every day looking like he belonged in a Daily Mail article about body modification. He was the dude who referred me to CBT, where I learned to frame things in a way that allowed my mind to cope with the sheer unfairness and frustration of it all. 

There was a nursing assistant who helped me cure my boredom, by making obstacle courses out of pieces of furniture on the ward - and then we'd all race each other on the spinny chairs (which were soon confiscated by a grumpy senior ward nurse). She hugged me when I got A*'s in my college results, to a chorus of "you're not supposed to do that - give her a hug from me. Quick, before [staff nurse] sees you!". 

There was my college counsellor who, when she realised I was considering dropping out of my courses, would pick me up from the housing association every day and drop me off at college, to make sure I continued studying. We would later send each other cards as I made my way through my first degree. 

Then came along my keyworker, who would take care of me and the 60 other kids in the Foyer, and still always made time to remember when and where your exams were, and be sure to ask how you did and whether you had done enough revision. She leads that place now, and it's about damn time. 

The thing is, 12 years ago I would never have thought that I'd be making a living by writing, that I'd be doing a Masters or would have a comfortable home - never mind the fact that I have a kid and a business. Looking back, I never had any idea what I wanted or needed to do to make myself happy or get over all the shit that I had gone through. I just knew I had to keep pushing on until I made my way through what was happening. And I did - admittedly with a lot of tears and, oftentimes, losing it a little with people that did not deserve to be shouted at or be on the receiving end of my tantrums.

You might be able to see what I'm getting at, here. 

2020, thus far, and even prior for many people, has absolutely sucked. It's hard not to look at the news every day and want to mentally vomit up every negative feeling. Especially with every connotation of bad news being highlighted over and over, either through social media or the classic varieties. It's hard to consider what your life is going through right now and truly believe there is a day when it will get better - but I promise you it will. 

There is going to be a day, 2, 5 or 10 years from now, where what you're feeling in those moments of despair seem so far from the perspective you will have. I can't give you the gift of hindsight when everyone's journey is so unique - I can only display my own - but I can tell you that working hard, standing with others, and communicating will keep you pushing through what you're going through, right now. 

My journey isn't over yet - and neither is yours. And I'm really looking forward to seeing what we can both achieve in the future. 

Short Interview with a Robot Ninja Shark

OK, so I didn't ACTUALLY talk to a shark that is both a Robot and a Ninja - but, if you know of the increasingly popular moniker of Ryan, you'll understand that he might as well be. Here's the thing, RNS is the kind of guy who can make it big in pretty much anything he puts his mind to - and I know that because he's already traveled so far.

I approached Ryan after sending a call out for people to tell their stories. I am fascinated by the obstacles that individuals have to overcome and the incredible tales they are able to tell - and I want to use my platform as a jump-off point for people to share their experiences. If that's something you'd like to be a part of, then please do contact me and let's get started, sharing the best and worst that life has to offer

It is very difficult to interview a man who is trained in the art of getting YOU to talk. Responsible for the sale and movement of back-up generators for nearly every major power infrastructure in the US, Ryan is a guy who knows how to pull information from you and make you actually enjoy the experience. With this in mind, you may understand that our half-hour chat ended up becoming a 4-hour heart-to-heart, complete with tears and laughter. That said, Robot Ninja Shark is a fascinating guy, with an incredible story to tell.

You see, Ryan was once homeless and lived in the second most violent neighborhood in America, an issue, he says, which came from making bad choices. Yet, when he met his now-wife, everything changed, "we had a mutual friend and he got sick, so she invited me to travel with her and go to see him. By the time we got there, he got better and we had fallen in love". Two months later, the couple were engaged and, not long after that, our Shark friend had found a job that allowed him to set up for the future with his new wife.

"I knew the rules of how to be successful but I had never applied them until that point. But then I set myself up to succeed - I told myself 'this is how much I'm going to make in the first year, the second year, the third year... When I told my boss about my projection, he laughed, but - while I missed the first year projections, by the second year I had hit my 5-year target". On this note, we go on to discuss the difference it can make to someone - anyone - who finally feels that another person has faith in them, and wants them to succeed. It doesn't have to be a love interest - it just has to be someone who genuinely thinks the best of you and can see the potential you hold.

The lovely Susannah!

Of course, for those who are aware of Ryan's video over on Twitter, you might also be aware that the family's hardships didn't end here, with a view to living happily ever after. Both he and his wife suffer from a range of health issues, including celiac disease - but it wasn't until his wife, Susannah, who was already dealing with Hashimoto thyroiditis, began to struggle with movement and her sense of touch that things suddenly took a sharp downturn. Her nervous system was being attacked, but nobody could figure out why, or seem to slow it down.

"It started when she was pregnant with our second child, in that she was dealing with major exhaustion. Being pregnant meant that most doctors would just pat us on the head and tell us that this was part and parcel of the experience - but it had gotten to the point where she physically couldn't get up the stairs to see to our first-born, when he was crying". And, while he wasn't aware of this at the time, the guilt that came with that was also having a major impact on her mental health. As any parent will tell you, a lot of their self-worth will come from doing the best job that they can. When your physical or mental ability fails you to the extent that you can't provide for them anymore, there is a huge crossroads to overcome in how you see yourself, long after any barriers have been knocked down and your capabilities have returned.

And through it all, one memory that sticks with him is closing a multi-million deal wearing shoes that he had to fill in with a Sharpie, to cover the holes. "It was the first time that I got a great paycheck, after spending so long struggling. It was the first time I knew we were going to be OK. Up until this point, I had been doing all of the same work - but for pennies. I ended up breaking down and crying in the back office". Being able to pay for carers and get the help that they so desperately deserved and needed helped Ryan and his family enter the next phase of their lives - one where they could push to find answers and not just seek a way to survive the next month.

"I was at the point where I was literally banging on the doors of the medical centers at the weekend, demanding answers and finding out what was going to happen next. It took 8 months to find the answer to our problems and it would have been so much longer had I not had the capability to take those extra steps and push the professionals to give us what we needed in terms of information".

Despite all of this, Ryan does not offer himself any credit, referring to this trying time as simply "the human experience" in that our struggles and pains have resonated through us, since the dawn of time. "This is not unique to us," he tells me, before going on to tell me how Susannah lost the ability to use her arms and legs, having to move onto a catheter and how each and every single test came up with nothing, time after time. The answer, after 8 months of physical and emotional pain beyond anything I could imagine, was Lyme disease.

Now, Susannah can walk (although not always when she wants to), and has even come off her oxygen - a huge step, given that her sats were in the 60% range toward the end of this life experience (90% or lower is considered dangerous, and where people can often become confused or even begin to lose consciousness). Still, he considers himself incredibly lucky to have had his own experience up until that point, to show him how to keep fighting so hard for answers - and it's fair to say that his tenacity and love for his family saved his wife, despite his own downplaying of the strength of his character.

So, what's next for Robot Ninja Shark? It's time for him to enjoy his own passions and work with what makes him happy. Better still, he wants to get a very particular message out; "If you are in a darker place, if you don't have the support, no matter what - if you're willing to work on yourself, it gets better. If a dumbass like me can figure this out, then you've definitely got this!". Keep fighting folks, and - in the same way that Ryan and his family found a way to the other side of one of the toughest moments anyone could go through - you can also work your way into the next phase of your life. Your time to play and to return the value you provide to the world is coming.