Talking Millennial Discontent, Sexism in the Workplace, Aggretsuko and Being the Golden Turd, with Ben Diskin

 

Ben Diskin is the kinda guy who has managed to stay under the radar for years, often playing some of your childhood’s most beloved characters without you even knowing. To paraphrase a writer better than I, you may not have heard of Diskin – but you have definitely heard him. With leading roles in everything from Kingdom Hearts to JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Ben has amassed a plethora of unique credits that have won hearts across multiple fandoms.

Yet, all of this is a far cry from what was one of his first (and still one of his most famous) roles, as Sylvester in Kindergarten Cop, alongside with Arnold Schwarzenegger – a job he is inevitably quizzed on regularly, despite the film being 30 years old. I, of course, am no different – and begin my questions by inquiring as to how it feels to have had this start, in his acting career.

“I had very realistic expectations set for me by my parents, who are both actors, so they put me forward with the idea that this would get me a little bit of money that I could put toward college, so I could get a real job”, Ben tells me. Luckily for us, however, this was only the beginnings of Ben’s career, as he quickly moved on to voice acting over on-camera acting, when his agency began putting him forward for VO jobs.

Being around 6 at the time, Diskin couldn’t quite read at that age – but was more than adept at repeating phrases back to the crew, on request.  “The voice-over and on-camera work came about at the same time” he explains, “When you’re a child actor, and you can moderately take direction reasonably well, they put you in everything!”.

As I soon learn, however, he immediately goes par for the course, in terms of his modesty, by becoming incredibly self-deprecating. “Compared to kids nowadays, I was garbage – but back then, I became the Golden Turd! Which is going to be the name of my autobiography, one day”, he jokes. That said, there is no doubt that this was the career Ben was truly made for, both as a guy with the ability to create a vast range of characters, professionally, and in terms of his personal preference. Particularly as he can be quite averse to the level of fame that comes with on-screen work.

“Back then I was a stupid little kid and I went and told all of the kids on the playground about how I was going to be in a big movie – and I thought it was really neat! But kids don’t really have a concept of fame or money, so everyone thought I was a millionaire movie star… and started treating me like crap” he explains, “but when you do voice over, you realise that so many people love your characters without associating you with that character”.

Clearly, this is something that has stayed with him to this day, as he tells me how he loves the voice over world for giving him the ability to play and create new characters, without the hassles of fame that inevitably come when people consistently recognise your face.

“It’s really kinda nice that I have some control over whether I tell people if I’m on a show!” Ben laughs – but there’s a sincerity to his viewpoint that, even now, comes across in how he interacts with his fans. He admits to me that there are times at cons when he spends as much of his downtime as possible in his hotel room, in order to avoid near-constant over-stimulation through interaction with fans. Although it is worth noting that, like the rest of us, he can sometimes be found meandering through con halls because he’s feeling a little lonely – so, if you do happen to catch him at a con, he’s likely to welcome a quick chat.

Imposter syndrome runs deep within Ben’s personality, which is often exhibited through his sarcasm, dark humour and, in his own words, “naturally pile-driving myself further and further into the dirt – that’s my instinct!”. Referring to his award-winning work on Muppet Babies, he tells me “I have an Emmy on the mantel… and I’m still convinced someone is going to come in and take that back, any minute now”.

So, how does he battle his own inner demons, when faced with a tough role or a bad day? “With a heavy dose of reality!” he laughs, “I tell myself that I’ve been doing this for long enough, that I’ve been consistently working for years – I don’t let myself get a big head, but being positive about my work is my best coping mechanism”. That’s not to say he doesn’t struggle when something new comes along – namely singing. As it turns out, Ben isn’t too keen on singing or dancing, although he used to be able to carry a tune on the clarinet (in case you were wondering).

Throughout his career, which now spans three decades, there has only ever been one time where work – of lack thereof - became a huge point of stress for him. Having just bought a house in the late 00’s, his career took a downward turn and the ability to pay the mortgage was quickly shrinking. Like all successful actors, however, the answer to this problem lay in working even harder, for what felt like minimal payoff, until – one day – his career picked up again. “I was desperate and did the only thing I could, which was to knuckle down and take any work I could get” Ben confesses, “which is lucky – because I don’t have anything else I can fall back on!”

If anything, this tough period has helped Ben to gain more clarity on how to go about getting work, from auditioning to working on each, individual project in its own, individual way. “It always depends on what kind of thing you’re going to be working on” Ben clarifies, when I ask him how he approaches a new role, before going on to display a wide range of different pitches and voices, in order to explain each genre.

Of course, even within the same genre, there can be different styles, he explains. “A Shonen style anime will be very different to more realistic, grounded work from Japan, so each show needs to be performed according to the style they’re going for”.

Then there are the personalities themselves, which inevitably drive the character forward within the series, film or game. He reminisces particularly on one villain he played, after which he had to field questions at a con about his character “I was asked how I prepared myself for this villain – everyone else was talking about how they related to their characters and how they could draw from their own experiences. I just had to say ‘errr I don’t know! I was just acting!’ - So, yeah, sometimes it’s just fun to do something completely different to myself. To just act.”

Ben goes on to reveal the audition process he had for Haida, in Aggretsuko, in which he construed the character to be somewhat of a lady’s man. As it turns out – and as fans of the series will already know – that’s not quite how things pan out for the humble hyena. It’s all part of the process, however, and the casting/voice directors worked with him to give us the personality we all know and love, now.

Another major benefit to being in the industry from a young age comes with seeing all the changes in the industry – for better or worse. At this point, I can’t help but ask him how things have changed in Hollywood, when it comes to getting roles. “Well, when I first started out, all the auditions were on tape – and, if you screwed up, they would literally have to stop and cut the tape” he recalls, “now, however, I can send over auditions from home and send those over as an mp3. If you’ve got a good mic and good set-up, then that opens up doors to a lot of new talent.”

Most recently, his work on Aggretsuko has him playing the role of Haida, for which season 3 was recorded entirely from home. And, while playing animals with human-like characteristics isn’t exactly a new venture in animation, the release of Haida into the Netflix universe also coincided with another character who came about at around the same time – namely, Beastars’ Jack, whom he also voices.

With so many anthropomorphic creatures coming out at once, it was only a matter of time before our dear Ben caught the eye of the furry community. Naturally, this makes my interviewee a big point of fascination for these anthropomorphic enthusiasts, and you can often find Ben discussing the community, his stance and the fanart of these characters over on his Twitter account.

Being completely new to this culture and fandom myself, Ben is kind enough to discuss with me what it means to be a part of something like that. “I discovered them through working on Aggretsuko,” he tells me, “and I’m a huge fan of the show myself. Which, usually, when I like a show, it means nobody else is interested – cause that’s just how it goes for me. I naturally gravitated toward the character that I played and kinda fell into it. But it means I get to act like a giant idiot fanboy online with everyone – and it helps the show!”

Of course, Haida himself resonates well with followers, making him a big focal point for fanart and fictional crushes within the fandom. When I ask Ben why he thinks Haida is so popular, his answer pulls the full gamut. “The show is filled with strong female characters, with most of the guys either being horribly sexist or just shouting at Retsuko” he reminds me, making reference to season 1 characters, including the yoga instructor and her boss, “so, when you see a guy who is actually cute and nice that makes it easy to relate to him. But I think it also stems from being the guy who has the crush, that doesn’t get with the person he likes, and his feelings are unrequited. So, especially for people who are gay, or are furries, Haida’s experiences are so easy to relate to, because it’s much harder to find the right person when you’re in those communities.”

Despite this, Haida himself has come under fire somewhat, with mixed reviews from audiences, who seem to be divided as to whether his reactions in the season finale are appropriate, given what happens over the course of the series. This is something that Ben himself struggled with, as he explains to me, “when they gave me the clip to work with, the cover clip of the file was Retsuko crying, and I was literally pointing at the screen, saying to my wife ‘how can I make her cry? I don’t wanna do this!’”. So, just how much of Haida stems from Ben himself? “Haida is literally me from before I met my wife,” he laughs, “This total idiot, who sucks with women and pines after women who have no interest in me. I mean, if I could go back in time and slap the crap out of myself, I would!”

Through it all, there’s no denying that this is a series that is almost tailor-made for the disillusioned generation of millennials, with the main character struggling with trying to make a living in the current economy, especially in season 3. And one of the things that seems to have caused conflict with fans, is that Retsuko doesn’t quite get the traditional happy-ever-after that people expect from happy-go-lucky stories about cute animals. As it turns out, this is one of the things that Ben likes the most about Aggretsuko, because “it doesn’t point to Hollywood or fame as being the solution. It displays real-world problems and gives realistic solutions. That’s not always reality – most people do just work in the office and the show gives fans ways to cope with those moments, like her annoying co-workers and her boss”.

Interestingly, given the current news surrounding sexism in the workplace – particularly in the gaming and voice-over areas – the way that Retsuko is able to work with her misogynistic boss (as well as the advice she gets her friends in leadership roles) seems oddly well-timed, for those new to the series. We also see massively inappropriate and damaging behaviour from fans within the show, in the lead-up to the climax of the third season, which is sadly true to real life at times. And this is something that Ben openly discusses with me, when it comes to how he feels we can change things in the real world. “The biggest thing for me is to be able to call out that behaviour, when it happens”, he replies, when I ask him how we can help to stomp out that behaviour in all areas of life. “It’s not always the easiest thing – but seeing not only the way my colleagues are treated, even by fans, not only are the acts and the things that happen scary, but the way women talk about these experiences. It’s become so ingrained into our way of life, that they talk about it as though it were an everyday experience and not something terrifying – which is absolutely is.”

Taking an uncharacteristically sombre tone, Ben then goes on to point out “it isn’t always that obvious thing, the way Ton will come across in the show. It can be something as simple as phrasing something in a way that is overly familiar or those tiny microaggressions. You don’t have to make a big thing about it, or a Twitter call-out, you can just say something as and when it happens to challenge them. Just be respectful to everyone”.

And therein lies the main takeaway I can pull from my short time with Ben Diskin, in that this is a guy who is – to his very core – a genuinely good guy, who wants to bring everything he can to each role. Whether he’s creating a caricature of a voice, in order to meet the requirements of an over-the-top animation, or speaking with his followers on social media, you can be sure that Ben has plenty of love to give to his career and his fans. Personally, I can’t wait to see what else he has in store for us.

Hindsight is 20/20

 Just the other day, someone was kind enough to remind me that it had been 12 years since I was discharged from hospital, after a suicide attempt. 12. Freakin'. Years.

Y'see, I had been homeless for 6 months prior to that and, when I left the hospital, I had managed to get a place at a local hostel - a place for women fleeing abuse and the like. It was another 6 months after that placement, that I was accepted into the Foyer Federation, in Manchester - a place for 16-25 year olds who had come from "problematic" backgrounds with "safeguarding issues", that did not fall into the government NEET areas (Not in Employment, Education or Training). 

Why did it take so long? Well, we have a lovely, lovely, neoliberal government that believes that those on the streets must simply be too lazy to get a job or not want somewhere safe to sleep at night (cause those are the only explanations, amiright?). In other words, they didn't know what to do with me. I wasn't seeking work, as a full time student, I didn't have a family I could just go and live with, and there were areas of concern for me going back to my old place. The idea that this couldn't all be sorted as though it were some kind of simple misunderstanding blew their fucking minds. 

Hell, you try being a young teen and being told that there was nothing they could do because your case fell between the cracks. There's nothing quite like being told you need to stay at a "crash pad" where you share rooms with less-than-favourable characters who do less-than-favourable things around you and to you. 

In short, the suicide attempt was clearly directly linked to my environmental issues. Still, depression is depression when it comes to how it's treated, so I was promptly put on meds and told to crack on. And I'll admit, I am massively oversimplifying the whole experience - but it has been 12 years, so the finer details don't really seem to matter all that much at this point. 

There are a lot of things I really do remember, very clearly, however. 

I remember a young and over-enthusiastic nurse, who forever forgot his notepad and was always scrawling over his hands and arms. He'd go home every day looking like he belonged in a Daily Mail article about body modification. He was the dude who referred me to CBT, where I learned to frame things in a way that allowed my mind to cope with the sheer unfairness and frustration of it all. 

There was a nursing assistant who helped me cure my boredom, by making obstacle courses out of pieces of furniture on the ward - and then we'd all race each other on the spinny chairs (which were soon confiscated by a grumpy senior ward nurse). She hugged me when I got A*'s in my college results, to a chorus of "you're not supposed to do that - give her a hug from me. Quick, before [staff nurse] sees you!". 

There was my college counsellor who, when she realised I was considering dropping out of my courses, would pick me up from the housing association every day and drop me off at college, to make sure I continued studying. We would later send each other cards as I made my way through my first degree. 

Then came along my keyworker, who would take care of me and the 60 other kids in the Foyer, and still always made time to remember when and where your exams were, and be sure to ask how you did and whether you had done enough revision. She leads that place now, and it's about damn time. 

The thing is, 12 years ago I would never have thought that I'd be making a living by writing, that I'd be doing a Masters or would have a comfortable home - never mind the fact that I have a kid and a business. Looking back, I never had any idea what I wanted or needed to do to make myself happy or get over all the shit that I had gone through. I just knew I had to keep pushing on until I made my way through what was happening. And I did - admittedly with a lot of tears and, oftentimes, losing it a little with people that did not deserve to be shouted at or be on the receiving end of my tantrums.

You might be able to see what I'm getting at, here. 

2020, thus far, and even prior for many people, has absolutely sucked. It's hard not to look at the news every day and want to mentally vomit up every negative feeling. Especially with every connotation of bad news being highlighted over and over, either through social media or the classic varieties. It's hard to consider what your life is going through right now and truly believe there is a day when it will get better - but I promise you it will. 

There is going to be a day, 2, 5 or 10 years from now, where what you're feeling in those moments of despair seem so far from the perspective you will have. I can't give you the gift of hindsight when everyone's journey is so unique - I can only display my own - but I can tell you that working hard, standing with others, and communicating will keep you pushing through what you're going through, right now. 

My journey isn't over yet - and neither is yours. And I'm really looking forward to seeing what we can both achieve in the future. 

5 Ways To Stay Motivated

Staying motivated is hard enough at the best of times. Not least when there's a global pandemic going on and our world leaders are running around like headless chickens. Except for Jacinda Ardern - even an earthquake couldn't rattle her. Whether you're trying to stay motivated to work from home, need a little inspiration to keep up with your workouts or just trying to keep yourself mentally healthy during a trying time, here are some great tips for staying motivated. 

1. Get A Little Cheesy

There's a big stigma these days against using a little motivational speaking and cliches to help see you through - we can probably thank the 90's influx of motivational speakers for that. But there's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a little cheese, from time-to-time. Just don't get up on stage and patronise people for an hour, while you do it.

Use affirmations. Leave post-it notes with positive messages around your most-used spots (and change them up, weekly, so your brain will always register them). Read motivational books like Chicken Soup For The Soul, if it makes you feel better. I, for one, am a big believer in watching rubbish films that let your brain turn off for a little while, so it can reboot and get back to work, after the breather.

2. Don't Be Afraid Of Rejection

Chances are, if you're unmotivated, you feel like you can't offer anything to the world. Aside from this being absolute crap - everyone has something to give that is entirely unique to themselves - that mindset stops you from venturing into the unknown. If you think you're going to fail, or don't think any time and effort will be worth it, then you'll be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Everybody gets rejected. I could pull up ample stories about famous people who were rejected, from Walt Disney to J.K. Rowling (I even talk about it in previous interviews I've done with successful writers and actors). In the words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, "It is entirely possible to commit no errors and still lose. That is not weakness. That is life." Being rejected is one of the greatest gifts you could ask for, because it forces you to reevaluate your strengths and weaknesses, and adapt accordingly. It's those adaptations that get you through and help you evolve into who you're meant to be. 

So, if you win, get that promotion, get signed or whatever your goal is - amazing! If not, you still gained invaluable experience which will help you get where you need to be. I'm a big believer in the right things happening at the right time - even on those days where it feels like you're pushing a boulder uphill. In snow. In heels. It'll come good, eventually.

Accept rejection - revel in it, even. It's a sign you're stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a chance on yourself.

3. Take Ten

This is one of my absolute favourite terms, because it can be used to mean a whole range of different things. For example, if you're stressed, panicking or restless, taking ten minutes to follow a tapping routine will ground you and help to focus yourself. On the other side of the spectrum, if you're feeling a little lazy and are thinking of skipping a workout, then take ten minutes to jog on the spot, do some sit-ups and get some adrenaline going.

"Take ten", to me, means to jerk yourself away from whatever the hell you're doing at the time, which is causing the negative outlook or effect. Force yourself to do ten minutes of something that is on the completely opposite end of whatever you're doing at that very moment. Obviously, if you're driving or something, don't just suddenly stop doing that. That's dangerous. But do it when you get to your destination.

My go-to when it comes to taking ten is to head outside, somewhere green (or, at least, filled with nature). I've always been a big fan of getting out and about, but now there's proof that going outside can reduce stress, less obsessive thoughts over tasks and problems, relieves attention fatigue and increases creativity. 

4. Go Grab Something To Eat

This is definitely more of a short-term solution for short-term motivational blocks (I fully advocate for healthy eating and a healthy lifestyle as one proactive method, for long-term issues). That said, there's nothing wrong with getting some endorphin-boosting food down ya gob, from time to time.

Enjoying the right foods at the right time can help give your serotonin (the happy hormone) and dopamine (the pleasure hormone) a much-needed lift. And sometimes that's enough to bring you back to speed on a slow day. You'll be pleased to know that chocolate, nuts and seeds all fall under this category, as well as being an excellent source of Vitamin E and antioxidants (yay!).

If, of course, you're looking for something a little less fattening (too much of a good thing, amIright?), then salmon, green tea and bananas are excellent substitutes. They also come packed with a wide range of added vitamins and minerals, all of which do a great job on providing nutrition to your body.

5. Seek Sanctuary

There are times when the best way to help ourselves is to claim sanctuary in the literal or figurative arms of a loved one. Think of it as running in the rain, toward a friend with an umbrella. Yes, it's still raining outside the radius of the umbrella, but you're safe and dry now. And a good friend will walk
with you, until you can find shelter - in whatever form that may be.

Oh, and I'll let you in on a little secret: nobody ever brings their own umbrella. Most of the time, we stole it off someone else, after we ran to them, and they passed it along once they reached their shelter. It's honestly all one big cycle of people helping each other out, when we need it the most.

Once you share your dreams and fears with your friends, I can guarantee that they'll have your back. And, having the right kind of support, means you'll feel more motivated than ever to push forward.

Short Interview with a Robot Ninja Shark

OK, so I didn't ACTUALLY talk to a shark that is both a Robot and a Ninja - but, if you know of the increasingly popular moniker of Ryan, you'll understand that he might as well be. Here's the thing, RNS is the kind of guy who can make it big in pretty much anything he puts his mind to - and I know that because he's already traveled so far.

I approached Ryan after sending a call out for people to tell their stories. I am fascinated by the obstacles that individuals have to overcome and the incredible tales they are able to tell - and I want to use my platform as a jump-off point for people to share their experiences. If that's something you'd like to be a part of, then please do contact me and let's get started, sharing the best and worst that life has to offer

It is very difficult to interview a man who is trained in the art of getting YOU to talk. Responsible for the sale and movement of back-up generators for nearly every major power infrastructure in the US, Ryan is a guy who knows how to pull information from you and make you actually enjoy the experience. With this in mind, you may understand that our half-hour chat ended up becoming a 4-hour heart-to-heart, complete with tears and laughter. That said, Robot Ninja Shark is a fascinating guy, with an incredible story to tell.

You see, Ryan was once homeless and lived in the second most violent neighborhood in America, an issue, he says, which came from making bad choices. Yet, when he met his now-wife, everything changed, "we had a mutual friend and he got sick, so she invited me to travel with her and go to see him. By the time we got there, he got better and we had fallen in love". Two months later, the couple were engaged and, not long after that, our Shark friend had found a job that allowed him to set up for the future with his new wife.

"I knew the rules of how to be successful but I had never applied them until that point. But then I set myself up to succeed - I told myself 'this is how much I'm going to make in the first year, the second year, the third year... When I told my boss about my projection, he laughed, but - while I missed the first year projections, by the second year I had hit my 5-year target". On this note, we go on to discuss the difference it can make to someone - anyone - who finally feels that another person has faith in them, and wants them to succeed. It doesn't have to be a love interest - it just has to be someone who genuinely thinks the best of you and can see the potential you hold.

The lovely Susannah!

Of course, for those who are aware of Ryan's video over on Twitter, you might also be aware that the family's hardships didn't end here, with a view to living happily ever after. Both he and his wife suffer from a range of health issues, including celiac disease - but it wasn't until his wife, Susannah, who was already dealing with Hashimoto thyroiditis, began to struggle with movement and her sense of touch that things suddenly took a sharp downturn. Her nervous system was being attacked, but nobody could figure out why, or seem to slow it down.

"It started when she was pregnant with our second child, in that she was dealing with major exhaustion. Being pregnant meant that most doctors would just pat us on the head and tell us that this was part and parcel of the experience - but it had gotten to the point where she physically couldn't get up the stairs to see to our first-born, when he was crying". And, while he wasn't aware of this at the time, the guilt that came with that was also having a major impact on her mental health. As any parent will tell you, a lot of their self-worth will come from doing the best job that they can. When your physical or mental ability fails you to the extent that you can't provide for them anymore, there is a huge crossroads to overcome in how you see yourself, long after any barriers have been knocked down and your capabilities have returned.

And through it all, one memory that sticks with him is closing a multi-million deal wearing shoes that he had to fill in with a Sharpie, to cover the holes. "It was the first time that I got a great paycheck, after spending so long struggling. It was the first time I knew we were going to be OK. Up until this point, I had been doing all of the same work - but for pennies. I ended up breaking down and crying in the back office". Being able to pay for carers and get the help that they so desperately deserved and needed helped Ryan and his family enter the next phase of their lives - one where they could push to find answers and not just seek a way to survive the next month.

"I was at the point where I was literally banging on the doors of the medical centers at the weekend, demanding answers and finding out what was going to happen next. It took 8 months to find the answer to our problems and it would have been so much longer had I not had the capability to take those extra steps and push the professionals to give us what we needed in terms of information".

Despite all of this, Ryan does not offer himself any credit, referring to this trying time as simply "the human experience" in that our struggles and pains have resonated through us, since the dawn of time. "This is not unique to us," he tells me, before going on to tell me how Susannah lost the ability to use her arms and legs, having to move onto a catheter and how each and every single test came up with nothing, time after time. The answer, after 8 months of physical and emotional pain beyond anything I could imagine, was Lyme disease.

Now, Susannah can walk (although not always when she wants to), and has even come off her oxygen - a huge step, given that her sats were in the 60% range toward the end of this life experience (90% or lower is considered dangerous, and where people can often become confused or even begin to lose consciousness). Still, he considers himself incredibly lucky to have had his own experience up until that point, to show him how to keep fighting so hard for answers - and it's fair to say that his tenacity and love for his family saved his wife, despite his own downplaying of the strength of his character.

So, what's next for Robot Ninja Shark? It's time for him to enjoy his own passions and work with what makes him happy. Better still, he wants to get a very particular message out; "If you are in a darker place, if you don't have the support, no matter what - if you're willing to work on yourself, it gets better. If a dumbass like me can figure this out, then you've definitely got this!". Keep fighting folks, and - in the same way that Ryan and his family found a way to the other side of one of the toughest moments anyone could go through - you can also work your way into the next phase of your life. Your time to play and to return the value you provide to the world is coming.

It's Been Too Long!

Oh, how I've missed you.

Y'know when life comes up with one thing after another, to the point that you end up losing all focus and just powering on through? That's kinda what's happened with this blog. And it totally sucks that I had to drop my regular updates on here.

What Happened?

Between my freelancing, spending time with my daughter, buying a house, decorating and renovating said house, going through a break-up and moving back out of that house, along with all the other daily goings-on (and training... but more on that, later) I have been so damn busy!

My copywriting kicked off to the point that I was getting a lot of new clients at one point, but I was receiving very little emotional return on my investment. So, I've decided to cut myself a little slack and back away from projects that I'm not 100% passionate about. This leaves me with more time with my little girl, as well as more time to play and actually enjoy life.

Love Yourself

Folks, I cannot stress this enough. If something in your life isn't making you happy, you are well within your rights to walk away. As long as you aren't hurting yourself or anyone else, directly or vicariously, you should do whatever feels right for you.

For me, that meant getting involved with everything I love, again. At the same time, I had to sacrifice a few things. 

I love being a mum, and getting calls during precious time with my daughter wasn't making me happy. So, I laid down my boundaries. Clients who pushed those boundaries were dismissed. Politely, of course.

I love being a writer. But I hate clickbait and marketing jobs, so I've backed away from work that pays too little for too much energy, based on niche areas that I have no interest in. They were not my best work and I felt no pride in completing them, so that was better for everyone. Now, I can write about things I care about, which has brought back my passion for the art - and allows me to submit a much better quality of work.

I love being around people. So I made the effort to join in with different groups. Roch Valley Radio has been great for getting involved in small-town community fun and simply enjoying time together (while playing great music). They play in hospitals around the Pennines but have been able to create a wider listenership because of the passion each host shows. You probably won't catch me on the air, but I'm working away in the background!

I love to learn. So, I took a range of passions and started a night course (I did mention we'd come back to this). I'm getting high-level distinctions in my Access to Nursing and AHP, and I've even been offered places at multiple universities.

What's Next?

I have chosen to continue studying at Edge Hill, doing their Masters in Nursing and Social Work (I received an unconditional offer back in November/December!). I want to help people in seemingly helpless situations. After all, I used to be just another walking statistic, as a homeless teenager. Why not use all my know-how and experience to lift other people out of their current state of being, and into a better life?

This means I get to do a lot more medical writing, which helps to pay the bills. Freeing up time from the aforementioned clients has also allowed me to get back into my gaming. It also means I get to spend free time with my daughter. I might not be making more money, but I sure as hell am making more memories.

One of my favourite things to do with my daughter? Explore. We've been walking my dog (oh yeah, I got a border collie last year and she's amazing), climbing mountains, strolling through the woods and taking pictures. She's now getting old enough for me to consider taking her camping (and hopefully she will actually enjoy the experience), so I'm thinking stargazing around the UK is next for us.

Community, family and fun. I really am a terrible lucky girl.

I worked damn hard for this. Sure, there are a few things I wouldn't mind changing. There are times that I've found myself looking at the process of spermatogenesis and wanting to slam my face into the keyboard, because I've felt like it's just not sinking in. I'm even finding myself having to work from the bottom again, in terms of game-based writing, because I've been out of the loop for so long.

And, yes, I'm aware that those two areas are at completely opposing ends of the writing spectrum. What can I say? I'm still a jack-of-all-trades at heart.

But, at long last, I really, truly feel like I am getting there. In the words of my amazing friend, Rachael "you didn't take a step back - you took a step sideways. You're still moving forward."

She's much wiser than me.

On that note, I'm leaving all my old posts up - even though some of them don't really scream "me" - and I look forward to moving forward with you all.

Ersatz; Interview With Paris Stalker at PlayExpo

      The best part about PlayExpo is undoubtedly seeing small games and game designers move up in the world, creating success and gaining massive exposure, from Snake Pass to the new Ersatz. All-iN Indie games are well-and-truly the new kid on the block, consisting solely of Paris Stalker, meaning if you haven't heard of Ersatz, that's kinda understandable- but by no means should All-iN be underestimated. This guy is a game designer and composer, who has amalgamated the two to create a game that's fun to play and surprises you with little treats, including unlockables, tough bosses and an ever-changing soundtrack which causes the controller to vibrate to the beat. In the words of the creator "learning the game is simple, mastering it is not".

   I had a chance to catch up with him and ask what it means to really complete a full game, entirely on your own, and the challenges that accompany it.


I understand you created and finished the game on your own- was there any outside help at all?

    I had some minor help figuring out how to implement shaders from my brother about mid way through development. He is younger than me, but is a crazy, self taught programmer, so helped me understand some of the language. Other than that it was just a lot of testing on friends, and asking the occasional question to some friends in the industry.

What was the big focus for you- what did you really want to be unique about this game?

   I love game music and I adore tight, aesthetically satisfying action. When gameplay and music inform each other both ways you can get a unique synaesthesic experience that isn't often seen. For me to combine these two elements and create a game where the music and gameplay feel at least partly synced, but not lock to the player rails was the goal.

I love that the music is so integral to the whole experience. Is your background in music or gaming, or are you completely self-taught?

    I studied Game Design at Teesside University where I got a 1st and won an award for digital creativity. In the first year the Design, Art and Animation courses all shared the same modules to give us a basic understanding of the disciplines. We were never taught programming. I carried on learning and using skills outside of design throughout the course and beyond, and took the visual scripting I learned from Unreal 3 into picking up bits and pieces of programming after uni. Basically, I'm officially qualified, but I wouldn't have the broad skillset I do have if I hadn't gone some way to teaching myself! Anyone looking into getting into game development I think must understand, that even if they focus on one field, they must be willing to learn about that field of their own accord to at least some extent.

I have to admit the music levels on Rayman Legends were some of my favourites...
    Same here! I loved those levels and I felt like they could be developed into something more, without being tied into following a prescribed beat- it's more fun when you have control over your character but the game still reacts to your movements.

How did you manage to fund all this?

    I have to work part-time, sometimes tipping over into near full time hours! After university and taking part in Dare to be Digital at Abertay University, I moved back home to Canterbury for 2 years, eventually convincing my mum to let me pay her a small rent. By the end of those 2 years I was going near mad despite loving my family very much, but I'd saved up enough to move to Manchester with a game that was most of the ways there. I've not spent a lot on the actual game itself, most of it being since it released. It's definitely not easy, and I'm not really in a position I'd call anything but quite poor for the time being. My passion and friends keep me going.

Where did the idea for ERSATZ originally come from and when did things really begin to snowball for you?

    To be honest, I think ERSATZ's conception was probably the least focused of any project I've worked on in any medium. A musical platformer was the basis, but it went through a number of phases during prototyping. There used to be a full blown cutscene based story, a combat system and all sorts. The basic visuals and the speed focused gameplay were just about the only things that consistently remained, born partly from necessity of limitations as a one man band and partly from my love of the aforementioned tight, aesthetically satisfying action. I kept paring it down, trimming the fat until I had a scope and focus that I felt was achievable. I'd say it wasn't until I'd finished a first playable version of the first level that things started to really move. It was at that point that I started to know what would actually work.

Wow, that's a lot of concepts! How did this fit into your life, given that you had to work elsewhere, as well?
     The flow of development would often slow down and speed up at different times depending on the problem at hand, my life schedule or mood. For example, the whole of the fourth level was entirely redesigned at one point (it's now a lot of people's favourite level!). Furthermore, when I moved cities I was starting to suffer from a mild depression for a number of reasons, which effectively shut down my drive for a good 8 months. I want to stress that when I pulled myself back around, I was stronger than ever. Don't give up!

      Taking a moment out of the interview, I think that's a great thing to focus on- I've been in hospital both when I was 17 and during the last year having had no job, no home and had to hand my daughter over to her dad so she had somewhere safe to stay. I'd lost everything. Then I came out of hospital and at some point gained just enough willpower to start again, getting a job, a home and seeing my daughter regularly. I can now look back at those moments and know that I managed to overcome it. No matter how low you go, you just need that one, tiny thing and the determination to see it through and tell the Black Dog to go fuck itself. Or, in this case, throw your energy into something and be proud of yourself!  

What were the biggest obstacles to overcome- and which part did you enjoy the most in making the game?

    The biggest obstacle was being so isolated. Having to spend such large amounts of time on my own, lack of funds not allowing me to do much, it got really, really tough at times. Since I went to PlayExpo Manchester this year, I came to realise that I could and should have been showing the game off at big events a lot earlier. The attention to build momentum would have been welcome sure, but more than anything, being able to connect with other dev's and people involved in the industry was really good for my mental health.

What (and who) are your gaming inspirations?

    Most of Nintendo's key talent has continually been an inspiration for me, but I am also a starry eyed man when it comes to Japanese legends like Suda 51, Hideki Kamiya & of course Tetsuya Mizuguchi of Rez fame. On the western side of things, Bleed & Valdis Story were both games which spoke to my soul and told me I could definitely do something myself. Honestly, it's hard to pin down anything in particular because it tends to depend on what I'm working on at the time, but I really believe in gameplay and mechanics first. Tell stories with your mechanics, not just your words or fancy cutscenes. Maybe ERSATZ is pretty light on narrative, but I think and hope others agree that it has a tone and atmosphere still.

What's next for you?

    Other than some small tweaks and bug fixes, I have an extra mode I've been working on as a free update. Then perhaps some language options so players from other countries can sink their teeth in. I've also started talking with some industry friends of mine who I went to uni with. They want to work on my next idea with me which is really exciting. I'm quite a ways off announcing anything in particular, but let's just say I'm hoping it's one of the most accessible party games ever made!

I'm really excited for you, you sound like you've worked your behind off and things are finally working out, the game is great and I look forward to playing some more!

     
    ERSATZ came out last month for PC on Steam on September 13th 2017 for £6.99, with the soundtrack also available on Steam and Bandcamp for £2.99. Both are available as a bundle for 20%.